I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.