Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.