Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

I never eat before breakfast.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!