Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.