Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?