I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I'm looking for loopholes.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.