Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

I never met a kid I liked.

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

Ain't fit for man nor beast