Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.