Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.