Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.