You can't cheat an honest man.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck