Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.