I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.