I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.