I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.