I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

I like children - fried.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.