I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?