The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

I drink therefore I am.

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?