I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!