I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.