I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

I never eat before breakfast.