Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.