Never give a sucker an even break.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.