Never give a sucker an even break.

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.

I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.