Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.