Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.