Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

I never eat before breakfast.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.