When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.