When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.