I never met a kid I liked.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason