How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
W. C. FieldsI could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
W. C. FieldsDuring one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FieldsIf I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
W. C. FieldsThe advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.
W. C. Fields