Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

Never work with animals or children.