Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.