Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.