Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

I like children - fried.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?