Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

The best thing to break is a contract.

I never eat before breakfast.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.