Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.