I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.