Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.