After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.