Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.