The best thing to break is a contract.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.