I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.