The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

Never give a sucker an even break.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.