The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.