What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.