The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

Never work with animals or children.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.