A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.