Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.
You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.