A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

I'm searching for loopholes.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.