Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.