I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.