Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.