The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.
Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.
The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.