In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.