My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

Never work with animals or children.

Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.