My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.