My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.