It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.