Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.

No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.