Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.