If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.