The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!