I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.