I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!