I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.