If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!