Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

I can do anything I want to do!

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.