Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.