Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

I never met a kid I liked.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.