There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.