There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.