There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.