There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.