Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.