It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

Happiness means quiet nerves.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.