It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.