I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.