When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.