I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.