All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.