Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.