All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

Happiness means quiet nerves.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.